1st blog of the year.
My birthday to be procise.
my new year was remebering, now that isnt one ill be forgetting fast.
being able to wake up next to my gorgeous boyfriends face on january 1st is something that is breathtaking.
his perfect morning hellos, and late night speeches are something i hope ill never live without.

january 19th.
age: 17
Weight: 10st3lb
Mood: Blah.
Ideal Weight: 9st5lb.

i have a way to go.
i will start to swim/jog.
the festivals and holays are this year.
im bagging myself a new job and wardobe ready for the summer.
and are wanting good toned legs, its easy to hide a stomach but i need good legs.

2008:
-lose 12lbs.
-Leeds Festvial
-Glastonbury! if i found someone to go with
-Hoilday in the UK
-Hoilday skiing
-Leap year party!
-Spend more time with my mum.
-keep my boy!

i havent posted an entry in 4 weeks.
Its time for a big one.

Its christmas tomorrow, and all of my festivity has vanished, the thought of going to work tomorrow to supervise children in making me more miserable than merry. Plus Gran's coming out so my bedroom has to be spotless, quite frankly i cannot be bothered at all.
Maybe its the weather, or the fact that just the site of the sibling is putting sadistic thoughts into my head.
Yes, it may be horrid to imagine blugeoning your brother to death most days of the year but its true. Theres so much anger my eyes start to leak; but not from shame that im thinking these things, oh no - because i cant actually do them.
Dad's finally calmed down from the depression and things seem quite "normal" for this time of year anyway.

I havent even got the enthusiam to step outside let alone go and see the boyface. i want to but to show the more miserable side is something i dont want to do. Things are still going great.
10 months soon, yes im shocked too! How the hell can someone stand me for this long, yet thinking that makes me a little paranoid.
What if it is too good to be true?! Stupid right?
all i want to do is curl up and wake up in a better day.
All the stress from family and mixed feelings along with lack of sleep hasnt excactly been well on my body.
My face has come up in spots, and as soon as one goes another appears. And dont even get me started on my physique. im sure i have dimples in my arms. my legs are soon to be bursting out of my jeans and people might aswell say im pregant with this bump on my stomach!

hopefully starting january ill have the energy to start swimming or yoga.
its killing me jogging with the dogs.

But on a positive note, my first two projects for college has been extremely well.
96% for art and 90% for textiles.
the personal investigations are going well aswell, although textiles in a little empty as its hard to find the history of the coat.
Plus art is fair more interesting.

well shopping in a few days.
i dont even know if i can be bothered in this attitude.
i mean maybe a trip to london for the sales will cheer me up.
But going with a tiny size 8/10 girl isnt gonna be great with her toned body and my well.... not.
ill just go to bed.
hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, and be over with soon.

I've given up trying.
he doesnt believe in christmas so we dont have it, he dominates us, patronizes and humiliates us in our own home
this man in not a Father at all.
And the lastest comment
"thank fuck for that he wont be coming around he again", this was after he heard that my boyfriends parents have deciced to ground him and he wont be able to see me for 4weeks.
Ste has been round twice!
I'm not surprised none of my friends come round, they all wait outside.
Its upsetting just how negative and miserable he constantly is, no im not upset becuase its happened to him. Im upset becuase aaron is adopting his path with constant moaning and patronizing to me, hes 7 years younger for gods sake.
There isnt one positive thing that i can say about him.
there used to be when i was younger before he started hitting aaron, trying to strangle him, suffocate him while he's sleeping.
A man doing this to his own son shouldnt deserve to be called a father, yet he doesnt believe in Phyciatists becuase "its all in your head, they cant help you with that"
i just hope, wish, pray that one day the excessive alcohol will rot his insides and he will suffer a great deal of pain.
Becuase of him, i hate coming home.

So the parents are back today. And I've only done 5 out of the 13 peices or art i should of done, my rooms still a mess. And i still feel like complete and utter shit.
However this was made better with Michel coming over for a bit :) and having Sammm-antha, Linz & Jess-ica to show my the way :)
I suppose i should really stop being so paranoid. It's stupid that im turning such a little thing into a major castophe. With it being the 6th month thing im getting so worried, what if hes getting bored of me, what if im irrating, what if the whole fire, as the call it, has gone.
But then again, with previous boyfriends that was the case, its seems so stupid now that becuase of the one time the guy completely screw me up i have praticually become him. Since (we'll call him Nigel) slept with someone else and then praticually used me to play with whenever he was bored i dont have any self control. Its like he knew when i was at my most vulnerable even if i was in a relationship and he would tell me that he loved me.
& silly old me thought that he meant it and that if i just went back with him its was like he wanted me, that the other girl was just a mistake and the passion was back. But no, used.
So know im just a fucking paranoid person after 6 months, in a way its like adult relationships when they hit 18months asking, where do we go from here, whats the next step blah blah blah.
God i watch too much Sex In The City.
On my Walkies yesterday i was thinking about Carrie and how she didnt have a baby or a husband or whatever at 38 and how well maybe we never do really learn how to be compatible, that we are probably always be a little bit vulnerable with these men. 
But then the one thing that scares me the most, is if i dont cheat then what if he does? For once ive been faithful. For once i havent given in to the tempations or adultery & with that im giving everything to this one guy which lets face it - we'll eventually break up 'cos there's no such thing as a happy ending these days.
Maybe my friend is right, maybe relationships are too diffcult and too much hassle.
But then who has the happier life, the housewife or the hooker? Becuase either way theyre both looking for something in the others life.

However a fake smile never hurt anyone.
Got a pile of art, and my art history investigation  to do, oh god :(
I thought this week would be the week where everything gets sorted out, but instead its turned into a bigger mess than before.
Whats if, like when a baby dies a new one is born, what if thats the same for couples?
With all my friends as soon as one person is having a hard time someone else is having a whale of a time with a new one!
Conscience, i think not.

Right, blame the mood of the weather.
That'll work. Even if Autumn is my favourite month.
Its offical winter in 2 days.
Doubtful we'll get snow.

after the meal on friday and leaving early because "i had work early tomorrow" it seemed like i was a stranger.
everyone had so much to talk about, 2 of my best friends seem to have totally forgot about me and it just seemed so awkard, sitting there then leaving early. While everyone had a "night on the town"
a girl in my art class told me that she had also spoke to her old friends that are at a different 6th form, and they had all slightly changed too - becuase posher and vain. much more concerned about petty things.
i dont wanna loose these friends - they got me through everything.
but it seems like thats gonna happen.
i know were going to dift apart.

after the meal on friday and leaving early because "i had work early tomorrow" it seemed like i was a stranger.
everyone had so much to talk about, 2 of my best friends seem to have totally forgot about me and it just seemed so awkard, sitting there then leaving early. While everyone had a "night on the town"
a girl in my art class told me that she had also spoke to her old friends that are at a different 6th form, and they had all slightly changed too - becuase posher and vain. much more concerned about petty things.
i dont wanna loose these friends - they got me through everything.
but it seems like thats gonna happen.
i know were going to dift apart.

okay so im still stuck with this dreadful virus!
i have a bit of energy finally, im starting to sleep again :) thank goodness.
so i decided that to lighten my mood ill go shopping!
it went okay,
- pair of new trainers,
- pair of pumps,
- jumper,
-long sleeved top,
- 3 pairs of pants
- kate moss shirt
- poster
- bubble bar
- 3 presents
- some new fruit juice.

just waiting for Nemi Ricole to bring out her EP. i love this girl at the minute. it really is a cheerer upper.
my rooms finally tired, my work on the wall.
my drawers have been rearranged and taken to the charity shop.

all i need is to catch up big time on art.
and textiles for that matter.
read the essentialreading of the course book for art history and ill be fine.

book tickets to go to london.

and god see ste :(
i hope he comes tomrrow. i miss seeing his mop of hair.
if not i dont care if im ill i willl go see him on sunday.
i miss waking up next to him the most. those are the most forfilling moments ive had.
hopefully that'll happen soon.
i dont wanna drop hints thats just rude!
and he wont stay at mine becuase of the scary parents. plus things are so horrid at home.
it doesnt feel like a home when he comes home, the arguments, the tension and the bitter in his tone.
its not a family just a couple of people living in a house, but im glad im getting closer to mum. She needs it. for the amount of work she does just to come home to a depressing scenery.
i hate how he doesnt seem to be my dad anymore.
how has it come to this? its simple to see.

i just wanna go on hoilday with me. chill out for a while. but then we cant leave aaron. with his anger aaron probably would be in care or hospital by the time we get back. its like the books based on real life that people read, shocked what theyve just read. its like that, seriously.
obviously i cant describe whats been going on on here. :(
but i just wish someone could take me back 9 years. warn them what it'll be like now.
warn them on the abusive language that is around everyday and the intensive drinking. How i would rather them seperate then them arguing every night over things he just doesnt understand - or think is his buisness.

GCSE finished :)
Picked up everything today, so I'll show you it all, Want any? just ask x
cbb to resize sorry, also sorry about the quality of the photos.

Year 9, 10 & 11.

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